find a penny, pick it up

I have this one really fascinating magic trick that I like to play on myself.

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The intricate web of my thoughts and feelings isn’t easy to figure out. If I could chart it, I would have already. My internal map would be organized in an Excel workbook right now with pretty little graphs. Instead, I ignore all that and turn my attention to the things that I can manage and understand. If I cannot measure it, it doesn’t exist.

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I do this because it feels dangerous. Who knows what could happen if I let my guard down? I don’t know what I’m going to find in there, and I don’t know if it will be enough. So I get a sense of security in focusing on things I can change. It’s easier. I like to be critical of my performance in life’s undertakings. I trick myself into thinking that will make me feel like a full person.

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But that’s the thing about tricks.. Really, my successes will never overvalue my image of myself.
It doesn’t matter how shiny it is or what way you hold it, a penny is still a penny.

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