find a penny, pick it up

I have this one really fascinating magic trick that I like to play on myself.


The intricate web of my thoughts and feelings isn’t easy to figure out. If I could chart it, I would have already. My internal map would be organized in an Excel workbook right now with pretty little graphs. Instead, I ignore all that and turn my attention to the things that I can manage and understand. If I cannot measure it, it doesn’t exist.


I do this because it feels dangerous. Who knows what could happen if I let my guard down? I don’t know what I’m going to find in there, and I don’t know if it will be enough. So I get a sense of security in focusing on things I can change. It’s easier. I like to be critical of my performance in life’s undertakings. I trick myself into thinking that will make me feel like a full person.


But that’s the thing about tricks.. Really, my successes will never overvalue my image of myself.
It doesn’t matter how shiny it is or what way you hold it, a penny is still a penny.


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