i know who i’m not

It wasn’t long ago that I thought I had myself all figured out. I knew I was a daughter, a sister, a dancer, a student, a friend, a girlfriend – and my roles told me what I wanted. Or rather, my society knew what it wanted me to want, which made it easy for me to fit where I was supposed to. I had clear, quantifiable parameters I knew I could satisfy.

The reality is much more intricate. Like all things worthwhile, it requires hardwork and bravery to discover what you want. You get everyone’s ideas, but in the absence of your own, you begin chasing things. You cannot learn until you actually experience what you want. Taking risks and challenging your beliefs hasten it. Denial, inaction, and avoiding failure stifle it.

I may not know exactly what I want, but I’m learning what I don’t want…

– I don’t want to read more than one book at a time.
– I don’t want to always have to earn things that I like.
– I don’t want to be thinking about other things when someone is speaking to me.
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– I don’t want to eat the same things everyday.
– I don’t want to tolerate when someone has hurt me.
– I don’t want to downplay things that I’m excited about.
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– I don’t want to be embarrassed when my attitudes differ from someone else’s.
– I don’t want to care about being overdressed.
– I don’t want to be afraid of things that are not a threat to me.
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– I don’t want to have excuses for not doing my nails, not having a bubble-bath, or not eating breakfast.
– I don’t want to look down when I walk, or a few paces behind.
– I don’t want to have a small family, or a home without pets.
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What do you want?

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4 thoughts on “i know who i’m not

  1. I don’t want a life where you are not in it, I don’t want to not eat chocolate, I don’t want to care what others think of me, I don’t want to miss out on life anymore.

  2. I don’t always know what I want, either, and that’s okay. Who I am changes from day-to-day, so it makes sense that what I want will also change. I do know what I don’t want, but I choose not to focus on those things, because what we focus on is what we get.

  3. sometimes we have needs that overwhelm wants and change the meaning of desire. recently I told a friend that I had everything that I wanted which was not totally true. I had met my needs and I found myself feeling void of form as I have been preoccupied with collecting things in a new house. Your words on Gratitude had a wisdom that I thought came from Acceptance, We accept everything as it is in any given moment just for the excercise because that is the action of gratitude. I guess I dont want to forget the role of imagination and possibility. Thats why I read other people’s work.
    your blog is public and global and you have a great talent for expressing yourself. Others will always benifit from your insights and concerns.

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