give back your heart, to itself

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other’s welcome.

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine.
Give bread.
Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 5.01.47 PM

Derek Walcott.

creatures of habit

It takes three weeks to make or break a habit.

Sound familiar? Anyone who has ever tried to change a pattern, quit fidgeting or stop overspending, can tell you it isn’t so simple.

In reality, habits are easier to make than they are to break. The human brain is an extremely beautiful piece of machinery – Adaptive. Restorative. Upon repetition, some thoughts and behaviours become so engrained that we seem to adopt them as part of who we are. When repeated, the pathways of this pattern become worn in and get used to being accessed. Our brains, so brilliantly crafted, make it easier for impulses to travel along those pathways. We no longer need to engage in self-analysis when undertaking these thoughts and behaviours, which is why they often go unnoticed.

20130301-073852.jpg

Although breaking a thought or behaviour is a lot more complicated, it can be done. Amazingly, we can change, rearrange and rewire our neural networks. With consistent behaviour against an unhelpful habit, we can weaken the pattern. Our best defense is to form a new, parallel pattern to replace it that serves a similar purpose, like breathing when we feel anxious, rather than indulging in the old pattern.

I want to always remain in motion toward positive growth. And I want to celebrate the small steps to challenge my thoughts and actions, remembering it cannot happen overnight.

If it were really that easy, no one would smoke and everyone would wake up early enough to have a healthy breakfast.

i know who i’m not

It wasn’t long ago that I thought I had myself all figured out. I knew I was a daughter, a sister, a dancer, a student, a friend, a girlfriend – and my roles told me what I wanted. Or rather, my society knew what it wanted me to want, which made it easy for me to fit where I was supposed to. I had clear, quantifiable parameters I knew I could satisfy.

The reality is much more intricate. Like all things worthwhile, it requires hardwork and bravery to discover what you want. You get everyone’s ideas, but in the absence of your own, you begin chasing things. You cannot learn until you actually experience what you want. Taking risks and challenging your beliefs hasten it. Denial, inaction, and avoiding failure stifle it.

I may not know exactly what I want, but I’m learning what I don’t want…

– I don’t want to read more than one book at a time.
– I don’t want to always have to earn things that I like.
– I don’t want to be thinking about other things when someone is speaking to me.
20121019-134238.jpg
– I don’t want to eat the same things everyday.
– I don’t want to tolerate when someone has hurt me.
– I don’t want to downplay things that I’m excited about.
20121019-135040.jpg
– I don’t want to be embarrassed when my attitudes differ from someone else’s.
– I don’t want to care about being overdressed.
– I don’t want to be afraid of things that are not a threat to me.
20121019-133539.jpg
– I don’t want to have excuses for not doing my nails, not having a bubble-bath, or not eating breakfast.
– I don’t want to look down when I walk, or a few paces behind.
– I don’t want to have a small family, or a home without pets.
20121019-134331.jpg

What do you want?

i’m gonna leave my body, moving up to higher ground

I instantly could not tell where it ended and I began. I closed myself so delicately. I grow tired of the endless whispers in my ear. That those inconvenient and encumbering human needs only plague me, that they must be hidden and denied.

I am no victim though. Forget that – we are victimized enough! What’s even more exhausting is the idea that this could swallow me, define me. The sheer energy coursing through my veins with that thought is enough to light a small Christmas tree.

20120928-125613.jpg

I forge ahead with all my weight weapons, throwing all the truths I can find at myself. And still sometimes my voice doesn’t reach me. I grow frustrated because I cannot wait to be free. And I tell myself that I’m nearly there. Today is the day I will wake up, reach for my toothbrush, look in the mirror and fall back through it.

This road is not a straight and steady path. So I will grow tired, but I will not lay down. Each day I will not expect miraculous endings – I will dare to challenge myself.

20120928-125121.jpg

what chains us

Extraordinary! Great! Success! Or any other exclamation point derivative thereof.

What is all this extraordinary nonsense anyway?
20120926-155704.jpg

Why not be hellishly authentic – a relentless individualist. Try doing something real, something innovative.

Love God.
Love yourself.
Love other people.

Be happy.
20120926-155741.jpg