i just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast,
I am alone in the night.
Been tryin’ hard not to get in trouble, but I,
I’ve got a war in my mind.
I just ride.

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I’m tired of feeling like I’m fucking crazy.
I’m tired of driving ’til I see stars in my eyes.
I look up to keep myself sane, baby.
Too much I strive, I just ride.

that we may learn to bear the beams of love

Allowing someone to love us is equally difficult as actually loving someone.

At least once, you’ve likely looked around and thought, “I don’t understand why you love me.” You are being loved without feeling deeply deserving of love. This is normal. It comes from the very nature of unconditional love, in which we are loving in a way that is more than baseline requirements. We are taking the risk to offer a love that is otherwise not needed. I’m convinced this is one of the more powerful feelings we can experience as humans.

I think a lot about isolation.

One can become so well-practised at being unloved that they cannot accept it. When someone genuinely loves them, the only thing they know how to do is push them away. They cocoon themselves in a false security that seems impenetrable. Unbreakable.

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And we are put on earth a little space
That we may learn to bear the beams of love
And these little black bodies and this sun-burnt face
Is but a cloud, and like a shady grove – Blake

In order to endure love, we must make ourselves vulnerable. We must risk loving without the certainty that it won’t be rejected or exploited. We must love wildly, until we forget where we are in space, and what the date is, and who will judge us.

strategy to avoid unpleasant realities

Countdown seconds on the clock
The night, damn made of ash
With highway lights and sleepless nights
Collecting tickets on the dash

One million lights on buildings
I melt, I feel so small
The road is filled with old mistakes
I don’t regret at all

To cold motels with open arms
Check in, no looking back
Ten dollars to the bellboy
I didn’t even pack

Escape my careful yesterdays
For now, I will survive
And I don’t know if this will work
But I need to feel alive

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you can’t choose what stays and what fades away

You are the hole in my head, you are the space in my bed, you are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. You are the nighttime fear, you are the morning when it’s clear. When it’s over, you’ll start, you’re my head and you’re my heart.

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Florence Welch